Joanne

“You need to understand, before you see her, that she is in very serious condition, and that things are not looking good.” The doctor spoke very softly, but very firmly to me in the waiting room of the Kaiser Hospital in Fontana, California. “We need to discuss where she was, and who she was with. Witnesses say she was dropped off at the front door of the E.R. and left there. Any information you can provide will be very helpful.”
I new nothing. I only knew that our last words had been in anger, and that when I had left two days earlier, she had plans to go to a party with some old friends, just to piss me off. As was common for Joanne and I, ugly words passed for goodbyes. The nature of our relationship was one that included constant bickering and frequently loud arguments that resulted in one of us going away for days at a time.
Walking into the hospital room, the first thing I saw was the expression on her fathers face. The look of worry and anguish hit me hard, and the fierce hug he delivered was further evidence that the usually reserved man was shaken. Obviously very worried for his only daughter, he still took the time to ask how I was and what I knew.

I knew nothing. Coming home on Sunday night, I decided to swing by her mothers place in Upland to say hi and see if she needed anything. I always enjoyed the sound of her thick Ecuadoriana accent, and the way she called me son, pronounced “song”. Walking in the front door I was greeted by the boys, Ray and Robert, jumping into my arms.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked.
“Mommy’s sick” they said in unison, as the twins would so often do.
“Go play” I told them, now growing concerned. I didn’t like they way they walked, rather than ran away. Usually they were very energetic and playful.
Walking into the kitchen I was met by Joanne’s’ mother speaking into the phone in a way that told me she was talking to one of her sons who was stationed in Korea with the United States Marine Corps. When she cut the call short to talk to me, I knew things were VERY bad.
“Oh song…where have ju been?” she asked as she rushed to hug me. “ju must go. She needs you.”
“What’s happened, where is she?” I asked
“Go to the hospital. I’ll be there with the babies soon.”


As her father walked out muttering something about leaving us alone, I saw for the first time my eighteen year old fiancé, lying on a hospital bed unconscious and wound up in something like a spider web of tubing and wires. Reaching to touch her hand I started babbling something incoherent, even to my own ears. What was happening here and what could I do to fix it? Who did this and where could I find them? What would I do without her?
Moments after I sat down, Joanne started to shake, and machines started screaming. Within seconds the room filled with doctors and nurses, all busy doing various tasks that my mind couldn’t keep up with as one set of hands began moving me out of the room. As I entered the hallway and stepped away from the noise I was met by her mother and father who wanted to know what was going on.

I knew nothing. My mind raced to just a few months before, in this same hospital, where we had come when she started having strange stomach pains. Six months pregnant and concerned, she had told me that she needed to go to the E.R. In this same hospital our baby had died.

“We have managed to stabilize her, but I’m afraid the damage to her brain is irreparable. We might be able to keep her alive using artificial means, but she will probably never recover any significant brain activity.” The doctor told us in the same quiet but steady voice that he had used with me earlier. “I would recommend you say your goodbyes now, and then talk about what she would want. Do you guys know what she would want?”
I knew nothing. I recalled how alive she always seemed. How passionate and determined to change her own world. Even when confronted with the deaths of others, we never spoke of our own.
The decision to pull the plug took only a few moments for her parents and I. All of us were in shock but we knew that keeping her alive would do her no justice. Joanne’s mother was the strong one of the three of us, strengthened by her firm belief in God. Walking into the room where their daughter, my love, lay as only an empty shell of the fiery, spirited, beautiful girl we all knew, we wept openly as we said our goodbyes. We chose not to bring the boys in, but we all took turns sitting with them while Joanne’s oldest and youngest brothers both went in to see their sister for the last time.

And then, for quite some time, I was nothing.